Top Ten Women of the Apocalypse


Who You Gonna Call?

If the dreaded apocalypse ever comes, who would you want to protect you?

You can have all the Batmen, the Spider-Men and the Iron Men. If push ever comes to shove, we choose Girl Power to ward off the forces of evil.

Apocalypzia names it's first ever Women of the Apocalypse Hall of Fame.
To build this list we chose actress-characters that we'd want on our side when the chips were down.

We also gave special consideration to the impact the actress-character might have had in helping to push the frontiers of females as compelling action heroes.

Let's start the countdown...

10 (Tie) Halle Berry as Catwoman



Making the Top Ten by a Whisker
When accepting the 2005 Golden Rasberry Award for Worst Actress (Catwoman also won for Worst Picture, Director and Screenplay), Halle reportedly thanked Warner Bros. for "putting me in a piece of ****, god-awful movie." We can respect that kind of honest self-appraisal.

Catwoman was indeed awful but Halle's charm and charisma at least helped us get through it. But more importantly, Catwoman cracked the diversity whip in the exclusive corridors of the Justice League.

And perhaps it helped her prepare for the role of Storm in very succesful X-Men franchise. And, certainly, Halle's Catwoman was more memorable than Michelle Pfeiffer's anemic portrayal in Batman Returns.


10 (Tie)Yvonne Craig as Batgirl



Tied for 10th place is another character from the Bat-Universe.
Many people don't remember Yvonne Craig today but in the 1960's she was a TV pioneer who helped break through the glass ceiling for heroines.

On ABC's Batman, Yvonne was one of the first women to play a super-hero (yes, we know the Bat-crowd has no super powers) in a series on an ongoing basis. In doing so, she helped pave the way for women who would come after.

Truly devoted TOS Star Trekkers out there may also recognize Yvonne as the all-green psycho Marta in the "Whom Gods Destroy" episode.


9 - Joanna Cameron as The Mighty Isis




"Oh zephyr winds which blow on high, lift me now, so I can fly"
Because Isis predates Wonder Woman, Joanna Cameron pushed TV frontiers as the first star of a weekly live action series with a female super hero.

This Saturday morning show was filled with positive messages for kids. Isis was kind, strong, good and had legs that could drive an adolescent boy to distraction. Trust us on that one.

Kelsey (Frasier) Grammer has reportedly acquired the rights to the character and may be planning a cinema reboot.


8 - Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy




Getting Her Kicks
Sarah Michelle's Buffy doesn't just slay vampires, she kicks their evil ass in the process.

Joss Whedon's television reincarnation of Buffy converted a big-screen cult hit into a TV powerhouse.

And Sarah Michelle could teach Chuck Norris a few things about roundhouse kicks.


7 - Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman



Lynda Carter wasn't taken too seriously back in 1975 when Wonder Woman debuted as a TV regular primetime series. Many saw the character as a sexy, campy joke.

But from our POV, Lynda was building on the foundation Yvonne Craig and Joanna Cameron created years before and, at the same time, helping to shape the female-action-hero future by offering a blueprint for Number 4 on our list.


6 - USS Starship Enterprise as NCC-1701-(A-D)

USS Enterprise
TV Acres

The Enterprise was as important a Star Trek character as any of the other cast members.
As is the case for most military ships, the Enterprise was clearly perceived as female. The voice of the late, great Majel Barret Roddenberry as the ship computer reinforced the persona.

It was the Enterprise that allowed the Star Trek crew to go boldy where no one had gone before and it was, indeed, the Enterprise that brought them home safely to Earth. She deserves credit for that. Engage!

See the Enterprise in Action:



5 - Sigourney Weaver as Ripley in Aliens

aliens

"Get away from her, you bitch!" -- Ripley to the Alien Queen holding young Newt captive.
The lead character in the Aliens series was originally intended to be a male. Sigourney, however, made the character all her own.

Driven by a powerful maternal instinct, Sigourney's Ripley had depth and nuance, allowing us to experience both her bravery and her terror.

See Ripley in Action:



4 - Lucy Lawless as Xena, Warrior Princess

xena

"Don't talk. Fight!"
Xena was like TV's next generation Wonder Woman. The Warrior Princess series broke all the rules of female action stars and invented a few new ones.

The Xena universe was about justice and honor. And long before the BBC's Torchwood, Xena was bravely testing the gender-bending boundaries of its main characters.

Producer Sam Raimi must have learned something about super-heroes from this series. He went on to develop and helm the wildly successful Spider-Man franchise.

See Xena in action:



3 - Carrie-Ann Moss as Trinity in The Matrix



"Dodge this!"
Carrie-Ann Moss brought bullet-time beauty to the Matrix. On the cusp of the new millennium, her no-nonsense approach to the character Trinity gave new dimension to female action stars.

We definitely want Trinity on our side at the End of Days, if only to see her do that cool wall-flip thing.


2 - Milla Jovovich as Alice in Resident Evil

milla jovovich

The Power of Beauty, the Beauty of Power
Milla Jovovich is a supermodel who, in her action films, seems to defy the notion that she is a supermodel.

Milla could easily have made a more-than-comfortable living just selling cosmetics but instead she decided to help redefine the dirty, gritty Zombie Apocalypse film genre.

And she does it in style...




1 - Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor in Terminator



Sarah to the twisted endoskeleton: "You're terminated, *****er!"
How could Apocalypzia not choose Linda's Sarah Connor? After all, the second movie of the Terminator franchise was sub-titled Judgment Day.

Linda's Sarah, like Sigourney's Ripley, was a strong female character prepared to go to the limit to save her child and the rest of humanity along the way.

Over the course of two films, Linda transformed her character, emotionally and physically, from a shy server at an IHOP-type restaurant to the last defense against rise of the machines.

Apocalypse? Been There, Done That...
Linda's Sarah represented another giant leap forward among female action stars and was someone we'd definitely want on our side when the apocalypse churns the Lake of Fire.


Honorable Mention: Mara Jade of Star Wars

mara jade
Who?!

Mara Jade isn't in any Star Wars movie but in the expanded universe (EU) of fan-fiction, spin-off novelizations and video gaming, she's a heavy hitter. In fact, she's reported to be the only Star Wars EU character to be canonized by Lucasfilms.

In this alternate world, Mara Jade was originally on a mission to kill Luke Skywalker but ends up marrying him.

How Popular is Mara Jade?
Tweeterwall recently pitted Twitter avatars of Star Wars characters against those of Star Trek characters in an online poll. It was a rout with Stars Wars locking the Trekkers out of every top spot. And the overall winner?

The beautiful and mysterious
Mara Jade!


Who is your candidate for Women of the Apocalypse? Let us know!

Unlikely Trio: Perky Flo, the Lying Glade Lady and the Indignant Caveman


flo

Geico Fatigue?
After years of talking gecko's, voyeuristic dollar bills and indignant cavemen, the frenetic and schizophrenic Geico Insurance commercial blitz seems to have gotten overwhelming, predictable and very tired.

Flo, the Progressive Insurance Lady, however, still seems to us to be a fresh face.

Of course, the face above, belonging to Stephanie Courtney, is not the face of Flo that we're familiar with.

We're used to seeing her like this...




But what does Flo do on her days off?

Apparently, she does yoga with the Glade Lady...




And does HR counseling for the Geico Caveman...



Yikes!
Do all these spokespersons hang out together? Do they hold their own convention?

See more posts from our TV Commercials category.

The Bleeping Truth


lenny bruce
Lenny Bruce


We've all seen it.

Someone on your favorite TV reality show (if there is such a thing) freely uses profanity in a comment.

Sometimes a lot of profanity.

What the F(bleep)k?!
Basic cable usually bleeps out obscenities with provocative surgical precision. The first and last consonants of the offensive word are often left in as if only the otherwise meaningless string of letters in the middle have the true power to offend.

This is how the media chooses to protect our delicate sensibilities while striving for the kind of edginess that will crank the Nielsens.

Of course on the other side of the issue is the person on camera who feels that he or she can say whatever they want because it's someone else's job to make sure the offending words don't go out over the airwaves. But that 's a whole different issue.

Things We Said Today
How responsible is the media with respect to what they lay on our table? Paul McCartney made an insightful point as he responded to an interviewer who seemed to neither understand the answer that McCartney gave him nor the question he asked McCartney in the first place.

Beatle Paul lectures the reporter on responsibility but he just doesn't seem to get it.




Schmuck
Things have come a long way in a short time. It wasn't so terribly long ago that the late Lenny Bruce had a reputation for being the "dirty comic." Bruce's stand-up act was raw but nothing compared to what you might hear today on a Comedy Central Celebrity Roast.

Bruce was even once arrested in Hollywood in the mid-1960's for using the term "schmuck" in his act.

Sarah, We Hardly Knew Ye


palin campaign

The apocalypse came early this year for the Governor of Alaska.

Our good friend Canada Peg sent us this outstanding song parody to commemorate Sarah Palin's resignation. We like to think of it as Sarah's Swan Song.

It's sung to the tune of the Johnny Horton classic North to Alaska.

Crank up this YouTube video for a kind of Karaoke background and then sing along with the lyrics below.

Johnny Horton's North to Alaska



North Was Alaska: The Sarah Palin Saga
(Lots of Apologies to Johnny Horton)

Way up North, (North in Alaska)
Way up North, (North in Alaska)

North was Alaska,
She's goin' south, the Rush is on.
North was Alaska,
She's goin' south, the Rush is on.

Lil' Sarah left Wasilla in the year two thousand eight,
With the First Dude, her partner, her kids, and Bristol's mate,
They crossed the stage in St. Paul, the crowds they went insane,
So the hockey mom from nowhere joined Maverick John McCain.

She stuck to script and winked and waved to huge crowds far below,
Till she talked to Katie Couric as she mushed malapropos,
With her mind and tongue a-running wild in a language known to none.
Yes, John McCain was a mighty man but with her he came undone.

Her words ever winding
Resigning, they're finding

North was Alaska
She's headin' south, the Rush is on.

Way up North, (North was Alaska)
Way up North, (North was Alaska)

North was Alaska,
She's goin' south, the Rush is on.
North was Alaska,
She's goin' south, the Rush is on.

She returned to Juneau, the land from whence she came.
Said: "Todd, you're a-looking at a gov'ner flushed with fame,
I'll trade away my office; I'm just buried in this state,
For a good point guard knows when to pass & dead fish float too late."

A mandate needs a woman to obfuscate the mind,
Remember a foxy Patriot gal's so hard to find.
I'll build up a warchest to get me my new home
In that big White House in DC so very far south of Nome.

Her words ever winding
Resigning, they're finding

North was Alaska
She's headed south, the race is on.
North was Alaska,
She's goin' south, the race is on.

Way up Yours, (North in Alaska)
Way up Yours, (North in Alaska)
Way up yours ---

palin wink
"You betcha!"


For more posts in this category go to Entertainment / Media.

More Scary Ads!!


Vintage Magazine Ads

Before TV and the internet, print magazine ads were a lot more important than they are today. Few were as downright creepy as these.


Do not turn your back on this kid.
After her sandwich, she's going back outside to join the other Children of the Corn...

slashfood


Could anything be that good? Should it?
Jeez, lady. It's just a can of liquefied tomatoes and celery stalks. Her orgasmatronic reaction is a little over the top, isn't it? And the kid looks like he's about to blow a gasket.

v8 vegetable juice


Everyone hates clowns
How'd you like to wake up to this hot-mess tomorrow morning? Sheesh!




Just call her Hannabella...
Why do we keep thinking that's a slice of daddy's shank, his gizzard and some nice fava beans on the side?

And by the way, what the hell is she looking at?! The plate is at best at nose level but her focus is eerily skyward.




Sleeping at Your Own Risk: Nighty Nite!


That Was Then
Life was simpler in 1988 when this Nytol commercial was in heavy rotation. Getting a good night of drugged-out-rest was as simple as popping a pill.


Andregrindle

This Is Now
Sleeping Aid commercials devote a little more time to disclaimer information today than the old Nytol commercials in the 1980's.

We're confident that today's sleep aids are safe, thoroughly tested and FDA approved. Some of their necessary legal disclaimers, though applying only to extremely rare cases, are a little scary for us, however.

Disclaimer excerpts from websites of popular sleep aids:

"Until you know how you will react, do not drive or operate machinery. Plan to devote 7 to 8 hours to sleep before being active."

One Possible Layperson's Translation: Treat yourself like a lycanthrope on the cusp of a full moon. Lock the door and chain yourself to the bed.


"Sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event, as well as abnormal behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, and hallucinations may occur."

One Possible Layperson's Translation: You may get in your car, drive to a bar and get into a brawl with a real guy there -- or maybe one you merely imagined -- then drive back home and forget it all ever happened.



"Do not take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors. In patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicide may occur. If you experience any of these behaviors contact your doctor immediately."

One Possible Layperson's Translation: Ease up on the Happy Juice. You may get so much rest, you want to put a gun to your head and end it all.



"Allergic reactions such as shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, may occur and in rare cases may be fatal. If you have an allergic reaction, contact your doctor immediately."

One Possible Layperson's Translation: If you should asphixiate yourself and die accidently, call your doctor immediately.



Maybe counting sheep isn't such a bad idea, after all...