Don't Let An Atomic Bomb Ruin Your Day: Ten Simple Rules
Sunday/October/18 2009 Filed in: Philosophy / World View
Don't Just Duck and Cover
Surviving thermonuclear bombardment is simple and can provide hours of fun for the whole family!
This insert from a 1953 Chicago Street Guide shows how!
1. Know where your First Aid Station is located
If you're already seeing a blast brighter than the sun coming from the direction of Chicago's Sears Tower, it may be too late for this one, so go to Rule 2.
2. Don't create panic
Try to visualize the positive and nourishing aspects of a radioactive mushroom cloud.
3. Shut windows and doors
Close the drapes and blinds too, if you like, for all the good it will do you.
4. Seek shelter
Preferably a fallout one. And by the way, don't just seek it. You'd better bloody well find it in a hurry.
5. Follow instructions
Hmmm... Aren't these the instructions?
6. Drop flat on your stomach and put your face right in your folded arms
We would probably move this one a little higher on the list or we would replace it with "Drop to your knees and put your hands together steepled toward the heavens above."
7. Don't look up
Hard to do while flat on your stomach with your face in your folded arms. And anyway, you don't want to see this. It ain't gonna be pretty when that bad boy goes off.
8. Don't rush outside after a bombing
You don't want to lose the critical protection of drywall and aluminum siding between you and the vaporizing fireball.
9. Don't take chances with food or water
The radioactive half-life for Uranium-235 is 704 million years. Try to hold out till then.
10. Don't start rumors
This isn't the time to point fingers and speculate about who's at fault. There'll be plenty of time for that during the 8 nanoseconds before the nuclear blast wave destroys everything in its path.
Apocalypzia's Bonus Rule
11. Prepare for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse when thousands of radiated reanimated corpses will roam the desolate landscape seeking human flesh upon which to feast.
And remember to have fun!